at an all time low..

looks like this is my secret world.. a secret world on the internet..
its funny how the internet of all the places is the last place a person will search to understand someone.. no one will actually understand the relationship between the two.. write a diary , journal , paint ur feeling cartoonise them n make a filthy buck but what everyones gonna see is a message they will never get.. so how do actually put across something u cannot explain? u say ur confused but even that is barely an excuse to what exactly what u feel.. u urself cannot understand the mixture of emotions that u feel.. n try explaining it out u will be misunderstood..
take a break take a walk sit all night on the terrace n fall sick, yet u wont come to a definite stable anwer.. thats because the answer u want is not in ur hands.. and the worst part is u kno who's hands its in and u cannot make them realise that.. even if they do realise it the price to be paid is heavy.. the risk is enormous.. and the battle u have within urself to be someone unique is lost cos then ur gonna be just another person wantin the same thing everyone wants.. is it worth it? is it worth all the pain n fear? will talkin about it make the fear go away permanently? or is it till the day ur back in darkness?
yet, ur intentions are pure.. u kno they are.. u cannot help thinkin abt ur problem.. it absorbs every living second and becomes a part of ur subconscious too.. u cannot help it u cannot stop it.. u can be happy for one day but the next day reality sinks in.. ur friends will call it an obsession.. ur friends will ask u to give it time.. ur gonna be asked to give it a break.. don they realise u have a point too? u look forward to only a few things in a day and u cannot have that too? how many times will u repeat the same thing? doesnt anyone get the point that u really do need what ur askin for? is it so desperate a thing to be asked to be made a priority?
thats when u realise how weak u've become , how empty ur soul is , how broken ur heart is.. when u realise that ur on the verge of losing the one thing thats urs : ur self respect.
music. the only solace.. the only way i can give a subtle hint as to what i want.. maybe need.. without havin to lose ur self respect and ur pride.. because u can always put up a smile n say " hell yeah m fine =) "